I don't know

I dunno if I should sign. scared.undecided. In a way, if only it was already over and done with then I dun have to agonise over it now.. I really dunno how...i can't believe it's tmr.. Having more thoughts of not signing but worried what kind of impression I'll leave.. Then I would have deprived someone else of a chance.. And why now then decide not to sign at the last min.. It's all cos of how crappy and lousy I feel these days.. Or is it? Am I always gonna be like this.. What should I do.. If only I could hear God's voice clearly on this. I dunno which is my voice and which is his.

Can't fall asleep... I dun want tomorrow to come.. Each day just goes by.. Me and my defeated lifestyle..

God is always in control... The takeaway from bible study fellowship. Now how do I apply that to this situation...

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Runaways from school... Off to play on mid autumn day :) a new experience, first time really hanging out with old acquaintances/new friends :)

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Ranting

The amount I eat scares me. How can I possibly be such a bottomless pit?! Project meeting today ended too late for me to grab dinner at golden rooster @ coro.. The place was closing when I reached. Ah well, dunno whether it's a good our bad thing.

Bad bad habit, after a while day of school/meetings I'll just go home and slack, although the meetings may not have been the most productive, or rather, though I may not have contributed much.. WCL!!! Y LIKE THAT...

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感叹

不喜欢这样的我,不喜欢脆弱的我。经常毫无主张,毫无主意。不该做的全都做,该做的却偏偏不做。得到的结果,只能怪、怨自己。以前的我,是否一直以来都这样?还是我变了…

不愿继续这样下去。神,求你帮助我,赐我改过的力量。让我在你里面得胜。

Lyrics of an old song came to me the other day...
"Victory I have in Jesus Christ,forgiveness, for he was crucified.
Wholeness in every part of me,
Deliverance, his blood has set me free.
I'm reigning with Christ upon the throne, and conquering over Satan's power below. Living with Christ, the King and Lord of Lords!"

I dun have many friends, but I'm grateful for those I have. They are my stars in the dark night sky. N baobao is my moon :) family is.. The house/home/shelter. Haha.

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Musings

It's weird how I dun blog when I have the laptop and it's so much easier to type but choose to blog using hp instead. Nothing better to do while travelling?

Sat yesterday was linda like bliss, and sun today is reality setting in. back to school tmr, and no more back up time to do undone work.

Battles within myself, or rather in my mind.. Lord I ask for grace to emerge victorious over default negative defeatist insecure mindsets.

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Irritated...

Hais okay what a negative heading. But it's quite irritating when you wanna but something and they tell you come back in 8 mins, then when you come back in 15 mins it's still not ready, and they say 15 more mins.. Wun be able to reach bb's house by 12 at this rate (wanted to reach by eleven... Sigh). All because I had the idea of buying bubble tea over.. And the stall is open but the pearls are not ready... Maybe if I had known must wait so long I'd have gone home already... Dun even know if they in the mood or feel like having bubble tea. Guess I'm just irritated with myself la mostly.

This morn, I reluctantly dragged myself awake and took more than 3 hours to complete one simple piece of work. Which all my friends have probably done by this time. This CANNOT continue... It's quite crazy to take such a long time just for one simple piece of work. At this rate..
I'll end up ' killing' myself by the end of the semester!

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Love hate relationship with buses

I get to sit but its a sort long ride... Which is good if I am exhausted to the point of sleeping.. But if want to do work or even play with hp (like now) stomach will feel queasy.

Feels like I keep wasting time... Then next week all the datelines will stay looming at one short and I'll be all stressed out again :X I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but.. I seem to have a default mentality that I do work very slowly. Wish I could be like jojo who's so organised independent and on to of all the work. How come I manage myself/my time so lousily? Sigh. I dun want to be like this, so help me Lord..
Am thankful though. Got back the essays that I was so tortured over, and which I did at an incredibly slow and agonizing rate, producing 1 paragraph in like 2-3 hours.. Madness.. But yes considering how stressed I was then and my wonky frame of mind, am just very grateful for the grades I got. Thank you Father... :) please help me to not dwell in negative defeatist thoughts

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