feeling a bit... hmm... i also dont really know what i'm feeling now... a bit in the musing mood... with a tiny tinge of something reminiscient of ... sadness? hee.

last week, at this time, i was having fun singing with lum alex xh at ten dollar club. yest, i was there again with mp sl annie jf. and next sunday, i may be going there with relatives.. .i hope so actually... hope uncle danny can go. and his children. and uncle tim. and meiping n meiwen. i think if really everyone can go, shld b quite fun n interesting... plus it;ll be the first time bringing my mum to k... time my mum had some fun in her life. she's been slogging too hard too long liaos. n having me as a daughter hasnt made things any easier for her. heh.

didnt go down to visit grandma today, cos my mum alr went down this morn... its ching ming today, think they all gathered this morn at parkstone to rmmr auntie foon... but that meant no car for daddy to send me to church as usual, cos mum took the car. so mp sl jf wailing n i took cabs ( didnt manage to persuade the uncle to let the 5 of us squeeze into 1 cab... heh) to church, after the 3 ladies slept over. jf slept the earliest! whilst wailing n shuling happily continued 谈情说爱 after i had turned off the lights... i fell alseep in the midst of listening to their conversation. something abt going to wailing's hse to help her paint... and i pretended to be asleep. hehe. needless to say, those 2 were the last ones awake :P

it was really quite a memorable night yesterday... the ktv outing... then hanging ard at smith street, followed by late night escapade at a lawyer's office... and to round it off, tissue prata supper! yummy! my first time trying it.. always wondered what it was. now i finally know. heh. too bad there was no bridge session... the main reason why shuling came to slp over last min... if they came again another time during my bro's hols, i'm sure we'll all have a hilarious time playing bridge! :)

anyways, yest was also sw's surprise bday thingy at fish n co glasshouse... band pple were supposed to meet there at 630. i replied ys quite late saying i cldnt make it... but by a strange coincidence, i was there at exactly 630... cos i was on my way to chinatown for ktv. went to dhoby ghaut to take free bus to chinatown... but i didnt go to fish n co, cos didnt wanna miss the free shuttle. was walking towards it though when i saw the bus coming, n so hurried back... and somehow... that episode was kinda... hais... i also dont know. i dont know whether i want to see them. tho actually, seeing them all is also no big deal right. but how i feel abt band now compared to in jc... is pretty different. its a different feeling altogether... and sometimes, more often than not, when something is lost its lost forever.

just now, alex came to chat with me on msn. haha. cos i put the pic of the 6 of us at chinatown on my msn n he saw the pic. so he was like, intro chiobus to me! (see ladies, as i was saying, u all are chiobus... heh heh heh :P) then later on in the conversation, when i mentioned that i went to sing ktv with them yest instead of going for sw's bday surprise, his tone on msn sounded quite accusatory... of cos, i dont know how seriously he meant it lah... cos in a way, aint considered very close to him? pple like him in a way, want to say close also not say v close, maybe more like farmiliar... though also not say very farmiliar. arghs. haha. anyways, he made it seem as if i v bad, pangseh sw, and that i dont regard sw as a friend... so i was trying to explain how i feel that whether or not i go wouldnt make a difference to the pple there... and how in that sense, i dont feel a sense of belonging to those pple anymore. yes, there are some pple whom i treasure from there... so in that sense, i do have a sense of belonging to band arising from those pple, but not to the rest. i just dont feel a part of it anymore. any maybe thats the part causing the tinge of sadness. cos if u know me, band has always been a huge part of my life... and at one point of my life, this grp of pple were kinda like super dear to me, tho individually of cos i wasnt close to eveyrone. but its just the overall feeling u get... anyway its all over. all part of the past now.

this sense of belonging thingy, to any group of pple, or clique, is really a very fascinating and remarkable thing. it makes all the difference. to be brutally honest, i didnt really feel attached to the cell previously... i had tried to be... but last year, the period b4 i went into hiding, and once or twice these days... sometimes i feel like a stranger looking in... and i hate this feeling. my cell girls... they r all nice pple... but i cant explain why i just didnt feel comfortable with them b4.. i rmmr myself being mostly v quiet... just listening to others talk... sometimes going for things because of obligation n not really wanting to go.

yet now, inexplicably, i no longer feel that way. i dont know when that feeling vanished. i just know that at this point in my life, they are pple i feel comfortable with, whom i enjoy being with, whom i look forward to seeing. which explains why being with them last night felt so good. to be sure, i think its only quite recently (tho i cant pinpoint when) that i finally felt settled into the cell, so i guess sometimes, once in a while, i might feel out of place... but i just wanna thank God for them :)

wonder how fang's doing in germany? will see her soon! wonder if i should be boh liao n make a plankcard to receive her at the airport on tues night... muahahah

i forgot something else that i wanted to say. abt the taxi driver who sent me , jf n mp to church this morning. but i think i'll blog that another time. :P next post will be more photos! :)