I don't know

I dunno if I should sign. scared.undecided. In a way, if only it was already over and done with then I dun have to agonise over it now.. I really dunno how...i can't believe it's tmr.. Having more thoughts of not signing but worried what kind of impression I'll leave.. Then I would have deprived someone else of a chance.. And why now then decide not to sign at the last min.. It's all cos of how crappy and lousy I feel these days.. Or is it? Am I always gonna be like this.. What should I do.. If only I could hear God's voice clearly on this. I dunno which is my voice and which is his.

Can't fall asleep... I dun want tomorrow to come.. Each day just goes by.. Me and my defeated lifestyle..

God is always in control... The takeaway from bible study fellowship. Now how do I apply that to this situation...

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Runaways from school... Off to play on mid autumn day :) a new experience, first time really hanging out with old acquaintances/new friends :)

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Ranting

The amount I eat scares me. How can I possibly be such a bottomless pit?! Project meeting today ended too late for me to grab dinner at golden rooster @ coro.. The place was closing when I reached. Ah well, dunno whether it's a good our bad thing.

Bad bad habit, after a while day of school/meetings I'll just go home and slack, although the meetings may not have been the most productive, or rather, though I may not have contributed much.. WCL!!! Y LIKE THAT...

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感叹

不喜欢这样的我,不喜欢脆弱的我。经常毫无主张,毫无主意。不该做的全都做,该做的却偏偏不做。得到的结果,只能怪、怨自己。以前的我,是否一直以来都这样?还是我变了…

不愿继续这样下去。神,求你帮助我,赐我改过的力量。让我在你里面得胜。

Lyrics of an old song came to me the other day...
"Victory I have in Jesus Christ,forgiveness, for he was crucified.
Wholeness in every part of me,
Deliverance, his blood has set me free.
I'm reigning with Christ upon the throne, and conquering over Satan's power below. Living with Christ, the King and Lord of Lords!"

I dun have many friends, but I'm grateful for those I have. They are my stars in the dark night sky. N baobao is my moon :) family is.. The house/home/shelter. Haha.

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Musings

It's weird how I dun blog when I have the laptop and it's so much easier to type but choose to blog using hp instead. Nothing better to do while travelling?

Sat yesterday was linda like bliss, and sun today is reality setting in. back to school tmr, and no more back up time to do undone work.

Battles within myself, or rather in my mind.. Lord I ask for grace to emerge victorious over default negative defeatist insecure mindsets.

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Irritated...

Hais okay what a negative heading. But it's quite irritating when you wanna but something and they tell you come back in 8 mins, then when you come back in 15 mins it's still not ready, and they say 15 more mins.. Wun be able to reach bb's house by 12 at this rate (wanted to reach by eleven... Sigh). All because I had the idea of buying bubble tea over.. And the stall is open but the pearls are not ready... Maybe if I had known must wait so long I'd have gone home already... Dun even know if they in the mood or feel like having bubble tea. Guess I'm just irritated with myself la mostly.

This morn, I reluctantly dragged myself awake and took more than 3 hours to complete one simple piece of work. Which all my friends have probably done by this time. This CANNOT continue... It's quite crazy to take such a long time just for one simple piece of work. At this rate..
I'll end up ' killing' myself by the end of the semester!

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Love hate relationship with buses

I get to sit but its a sort long ride... Which is good if I am exhausted to the point of sleeping.. But if want to do work or even play with hp (like now) stomach will feel queasy.

Feels like I keep wasting time... Then next week all the datelines will stay looming at one short and I'll be all stressed out again :X I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but.. I seem to have a default mentality that I do work very slowly. Wish I could be like jojo who's so organised independent and on to of all the work. How come I manage myself/my time so lousily? Sigh. I dun want to be like this, so help me Lord..
Am thankful though. Got back the essays that I was so tortured over, and which I did at an incredibly slow and agonizing rate, producing 1 paragraph in like 2-3 hours.. Madness.. But yes considering how stressed I was then and my wonky frame of mind, am just very grateful for the grades I got. Thank you Father... :) please help me to not dwell in negative defeatist thoughts

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Money money money....

just bought netbook... After months and months of thinking how nice it would be to have one, I finally went and got one. A samsung one. Haha,a lot of affinity with samsung this month eh, what with first the new samsung hp and now this. Hoping it'll will really be as useful and convenient as I am assuming it will be so that it's really worth the money spent. Actually been wanting to get a leave-at-home external hard disk drive too to double back up certain things, cos I realise all my photos take up a lot of space in the current fujitsu lappy and the existing portable hard disk drive. Saw a 1.5TB buffalo one just now at funan, $159. Was seriously considering getting it, but that would make two expensive purchases in one day so.. Guess I'll kiv it...

Saw one of my fave kids and his mum and sis today, happy! Haven't seen him in so long.. They were going to makan place for breakfast haha. Special exception I'm guessing as it's his first day back to school after a long break. Asked him what he's going to eat and he replied "Milo and bread!" And he obliged my request for a kiss too ;) man, really miss him and all the other kids too...

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Experimenting with the new hp :D

Woohoo! Now I can blog from my hp.. Quite cool :) haven't blogged in quite a while though there were times I felt like blogging... Guess the laziness in me is too great. Now into the second week of school after the one week break.awesome break man... Had just the right balance of social activities and nua-ing alone at home, catching up on sleep etc. only blooper was that baobao was in indonesia. Ok bye for now cos stomach is starting to feel queasy from playing with hp on the bus, ahahaha

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frustration

is it a self-fulfilling prophecy, a vicious cycle i perpetuate?

dun like this. reeeally dun like this. it can't continue this way... but i dunno if i can get out of it.

lots of grace.

2 video clips that cheer me up a lil. cant figure out how to make it appear here so will just leave the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwlhxcRnEDo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH_5NSNYtoM&feature=related

i like them both so much. wish i could do them with you.

i need to learn to stick to limits. TIME LIMITS.

'I'

i miss my baobao a lot suddenly.

i've been eating far too much. just ask my new friends. i dun wanna imagine how much weight i'll gain after this semester.. bye bye to those ballroom dancing lessons with baobao... ~sobz~

i'm learning a lot in school. it's very fulfilling. very interesting experiences. things are generally good.

i have a lot to be thankful for. like my family's support and my darling baobao. :) and technology that allows me to still be in touch with my china 'kids'.

i just wish i have more time to chill/ stone/ slack/ relax/ SLEEP.

i want more time. time to wait on Him, time to exercise, time to keep in contact with people, time to do the many many things i want.

i want to go back to Yunnan. i miss them. i miss En Yi. (totally cute baby!!)

i need strength.

i need to think of a whole lot of things.

overwhelmed

1/3 into this crazily intensive 6 weeks journey, an overwhelming sense of stress suddenly/finally sinks in... today i just feel like crying and bawling like a baby. is it the hormones? ~shrugs~

help Lord.. i really need more strength and grace. dun see how else i'm gonna surevive this whole period. this entire month of july...

in class!

muahahha.. sitting btw maureen, at what has been my comon spot in class this whole week - the pillar in the middle of the room where there are power sockets! hehe. which explains why i position myself here - so i can use my laptop :P

class sharing on multiple intelligences now.. wed and fri lessons are on Creative Drama and Learning/Teachin thru the Arts. quite interesting modules. we played several games as a class, quite cool.. in general, quite cool to have all 63 pple in 1 class attending lectures by the Boston profs. quite a different style, very interactive, lots of readings to do.. everyday seems to fly by, but it's rather fulfilling, feels like how a typical uni student feels i guess haha, except that we have NO EXAMS which may not be a bad thing. i especially like how it feels like we're all a community of learners, all in this journey together.. wonder what it'll be like 2 years from now after we've been through 4 semesters together, not forgeting next june's summer exchange - 5 weeks in boston!! sudddenly, 1 year later seems to be quite soon. haha.

i was rambling, by the way =_= LOL!

the past week actually wasnt the best start it could have been, cos i really didnt manage my time well, lapsing into all the last-minuteness habits again that i REALLY wanna avoid. been... distracted, keep missing the people in China... webcam-ing a few times with them.. thinking of them etc. ah wells. more abt this another time maybe. wth pics of my handsome grown up 'lil brothers' muahahah!

sian-ness setting in

a blip in the general good mood.

at an internet cafe, and zhiguo is next to me. he's lanning. LOL. those rpg games which sporean also play.. n last night i actually went to sing ktv with him, guobao and some of their friends. it's like.. man, such ordinary things which i never would have imagined me doing with them previously.. it goes to show that young adults everywhere are generally similar.

i cant believe i am blogging from overseas. partly cos i am somewhat bored. its quite late, almost 10pm, n i think i'm not suppose to walk back to the hotel alone after dark. so i smsed josh, waiting for him to reply me. somebody next to me smoking - i HATE cigarette smoke. EeeYucks. i wonder how much pollution i've inhaled these couple of days. anyway, he's happily engaged in his game, n just told me to leave first if i'm tired so.. dun think he'll offer to walk me back today. lol. see how things change. (the appeal of lanning.. haha) ok la, nevertheless he's still been sweet in other ways. like carrying my backpack for me.. was quite surprised when he took it from me n carried it the rest of the day.

i must have been delusional to imagine that i might get more sleep here. the massive accumulated sleep debt is only mounting instead of decreasing. its making me feel sian at the though of sch starting, plus how i am NOT IN THE SAME CLASS AS JOJO AND CARISSA!!! wanna cry already... so upsetting... why oh why... sigh...

the tiredness sets in at night when josh and i usually need to discuss stuff n i become quite non-responsive and maybe even subtly grouchy at him. oops. thank God he's quite the gentleman.. haha. he has been helping to lug my luggage ard, lol. he carried so many bags pple thought i was pulling him.. heh. he looked like he was trying to be superman or something. ahahaha.

the trip's almost over... a part of me wishes i could stay for a month :( cant assess facebook here (i wonder why) so here i am blogging. wanted to tag jojo's tagboard but it's down~! wanted to whine abt God seperating us... i am devastated... and wonder how Evie is, much much better i hope. n i owe sherlene $$$. and and and and lots of other things.

time is flying by, but i'm not ready for it to move on yet....

一生有你

waiting for my files to be backed up in my new portable hdd... hahaha... i am going to get another hdd, those big bulky ones that can store all my gazillion things and just kept at home for.. peace of mind :) i think i'll just cry if my comp/hdds crash 1 day and all my data are gone.

yest was a cool day. finally got reunited with my creative mp3 (support spore products! haha) after i carelessly left it in sr's car.. the price of carelessness was 4 days w/o my music accompanying me on public transport :( but ok la it wasnt that that that bad. but my mp3 is really 1 of those essential things that i'll def bring out with me wherever i go, esp on overseas travels... YN, here i come! yeeha!

excited excited excited. coupled with a sense of urgency.. suddenly feel so unprepared, i wish i had more time to read up prepare testimonies so that if/when i get the chance to i can share unreservedly, w/o worrying abt my lousy language and what content.. no time no time no time! jack neo should make a film - time no enough. it seriously isnt. just look at my eye bags -_-

the excitement abt this upcoming trip has been there, but it's mounting, esp after i got to talk to my xb 'kid' (aka student).. haha who's actually a 20 year old boy, actually only 4 years younger. suddenly the prospect of seeing him/them again feels more real... and i feel like scrambling to set up qq and organize a mass meet up of 25班.. hais. but hey're all over the place not all have contact no.s so.. i guess i'll leave it up to God. there're a handful of students i feel more affectionate towards.. mainly those who still wrote letters.. but i would esp wanna meet the 2 (zhi guo and jian mei) who specially came down to xy city to find jason and i on our 2007 trip.. but ok, i'm just very thankful at being reconnected with guo bao. he sms-ed me last night too! so funny la that boy.. really, reeeally wanna meet up with him.. then there's zhu ming jie，cheeky cute boy from 28班. and his adorable lil sis xiao feng.. but my fave lil kid was xiao po, and there's her older sis jian qin. are they still at xb? re-read the letters i got from them on the 2007 trip.. all so sweet.. 3 years down the road now, wonder how they are? do they still think of me/us? will they really get to come spore and find me/us one day..

一生有你 reminds me of all my 象鼻kids, as does老鼠爱大米. i miss them.

okay that aside... i had a wonderful spontaneous meet up with jacjac! at startbucks :) now she knows my new fave haunt. tho cos of its ulu-ness i doubt i'll go there frequently, just for those special days when i need time/space/privacy for myself, to breathe, smell the coffee, and reconnect with God. anyway, its so nice to be in more constant touch with her, to know whats going on with each other etc.. and haha i'm also very happy cos in some sense SHE initiated it ;) it is a big deal k, cos she always claims she's very passive... haha! my dearest friend apart from ws from jc days.. all our times tgt.. and then the rocky bits after.. but now we'r a-okay! may the friendship go from strength to strength :)

the crazyily busy week is over, but somehow still feeling like i have a lot of things i need/want to do. which includes a massive overhaul of my whole room. its so messy/disorganized, i cant stand it. yet i;ve been living in/like this for my whole life! being in child care has somehow influenced me in this i think. that, and how organized/neat ws + his family is. otherwise next time how? cham ah!

want to go sing ktv.. want to go cycling at the beach.. want a bandits outing to sentosa.. want a poly friends sleepover/saboteur get-together.. wants a make-up staycation with dotdot (havent seen/spoken to her in ages).. wants to visit rj and search for teachers and see if they remember me/us.. wants to have so6b class gathering and christian fellowship... doesnt mind going ice-skating/ horse-riding...

wants to make presents for my xb kids, my tcc kids etc etc. and belated bday cum father's day present for my awesome earthly daddy, esp since i'll be away.

ok, time to go keep track of all the things i need to get done today... focus cling, FOCUS!

realised i havent blogged in a few weeks. been too busy/sleep-deprived (what's new)/ tired to have time for anything.

it's soooo nice to have the children's nap time (1.30-3pm) free for once without having to leave the centre for some thing or other. not that i stayed in today, i went out to run errands. lol. i.e, buy food (been eating non-stop round the clock these days... a disturbing trend) and to collect my stuff from the locker. Thank God the school didnt throw them away! can heave a big sigh of relief. muahaha.

i'll be glad to have time for myself when i stop work come end of this month. somehow, all my committments are all this time period.. total clash. makes for one tired chia ling. ah wells. all the same, i WILL miss my kids.. the senior toddlers in particular. not that they wun remember me anymore when i leave, but though i'll still come by from time to time to visit, i know it won't be the same, we won't be as close anymore.. which is natural i know. sigh, ironies of life. goes to show sometimes u just cant have your cake and eat it.

they're all blissfully asleep now.. look like such serene angels. being with them makes me wonder what i was like as a 2+, 3 year old kid.. did i cry a lot? over every small matter? how articulate was i? did i snatch toys? bite people? hit others? hahaha... it's quite hilarious and actually pretty unimaginable to picture me and say... my jc classmates as 3 years old in preschool tgt. jc cos that was co-ed, like in preschool, while sec sch was single sex. so different dynamics also.

had what was probably my most successful, or rather, most satisfying lesson with this age group. 7 kids, happy face group were with me today... we did square and triangle-shaped sponge printing. it felt good :) everything went quite smoothly.. and they seem to have a much better grasp of the concept after these past couple days of shape-ish activities. i really wanna do more, make some learning corner activities for them and all but.. just lack the time and energy. what a bummer.

this weekend marks the conclusion of most of the stuff i've been preparing for/ busy with. RWinds perf during RI band concert tmr night (Chess and Selections from UP, our last prac was totally hilarious with many good laughs.. ahahaha), Ms Michelle's wedding on Sat and MayKTV, then THE graduation ceremony... hmmm. all the training sessions for the speech and all, the sacifice of my locks... i kinda wish i could invite friends to come, but i guess they're all working now and doesnt make sense for them to take leave to come. if only ws could come... silly N***. GrRrrRRRR. cause my boy to be overworked and sleep-deprived. *Roar* happy though that zhiyang and shengrong can come. a bit paiseh though asking people to come.. so if u happen to see this and dun mind wasting your mon morning on 24th, 9am-12 at ngee ann convention centre to attend my grad ceremony, let me know k? :)

k, kids are waking up... gtg. ciao! :)

irritatants

it irks me no end how half the time i cant access facebook when at home. either it has a mind of its own and is being temperamental, or... it doesnt like me. somehow.

which means, i cant upload photos as and when i want to. which is uber irritating. it means i cant put up photos of Kelly's Baby Joseph's month-old celebration with WS's CMU cell grp peeps (ah happy times!), or photos of Prom. and prom was like... almost a month ago!! GRrrrrRrR. not my fault k.. blame facebook. hurhur.

its also highly irritating how i'm perpetually sleep deprived, but somehow always end up sleeping after 12.30 am 85% of the time, cos somehow after showering and all.. i become alert and not tired. and the irritating bit is compounded by how i keep waking up waaaaay before the alarm that i set!!!!

case in point: i went to bed at 2am-ish last night, set alarm for 7am, but awoke at 530! like.. what the heck! rested in bed till 6 then decided to make better use of time.

so i am now highly sleep-deprived... i am so sleep deprived that i am tired of mentioning it. it's like.. chronic sleep deprivation. i really need the discipline to SLEEP MORE. Jesus, help me please!

had a great meet-up with dear fifididilooloo in lieu of her bday on Mon. wish i hadnt left the house in such a rush and forgotten to bring candles + lighter! fifi thus ended up with... a bday banana courtesy of funky starbucks staff at raffles city instead of a candle lit apple crumble cheesecake.

and and! it was hilarious when fifi tasted my green tea cream frap and conceded that it was actually quite decent! ahahahha... had a very entertaining time with her.. with me laughing away half the time like a hyena... muahahah... just like old times :) oh man CAN"T WAIT for weiwei to be back! it's amazing when u look back and realise that she's been away for... almost 8 years! oh myyYYYYy....

vandals are another source of irritation. people who maliciously PUNCTURE BICYCLE WHEELS should be caught and... have their fingers broken. ok ok kidding la. but u get my point.. they should be dealt with sternly... such a malicious and mean nature should NOT be allowed to go unchecked! who knows what that meanie-mo will 'upgrade' to next lor


things that crop up unexpectedly and just fill up your schedule and deprive you of free time/ chill time aka much needed rest-time also cause twinges of annoyance.. but what to do...

~shrugs~

let me just end of by saying i love my s11 girls! awesome cell group friends :) it was a great session today... was very encouraging how we all prayed tgt. May Jesus continue to continue to move in our midst and stir us up :)

"contentment with godliness is great gain"

:)

barefoot

Thank God for thick skin... on the soles of my foot, that is :P Otherwise walking home without shoes on would have been a painful experience. as it is, it was... pretty bearable. Thank God i didnt cut my feet on anything sharp, haha!

anyway, the above is basically about me walking home from kemb mrt with my shoes off. because my shoes were hurting me, the bus 42 had seemingly just left, there were no taxis in sight, and i didnt wanna wait like 25 mins to get home. so.. walking home barefooted seemed like the best option. haha :P

just came home after a cousins gathering at tiong bahru. i hope and pray that next time i'll have a house in such a good location! just next to tiong bahru mrt lor, how convenient! and so centralised too. got to see step cousins whom i havent seen in AGES, and met a 6-years-older Christian niece, was really nice chatting and getting to know each other :) am so glad i went although i wasnt too keen initially... tired. as usual. lol.

another lil splurge today... :X asked ws if he was worried about me and my spending, and he just went, "No, cos next time you wun have $$$ to spend", meaning even if i wanted to buy stuff i wouldnt have the means to do so in future cos we'd prob be a poor Christian couple if/when he goes into full-time ministry.

first service in PLMGSS today.. will take some getting used to. i hope the church stays united and people wun start "migrating" away..

all in all, a great Sunday :) just that i havent done anything to prepare for work next week... oops!

first service in a new location later! at 2 pm, which means i get to sleep in - thumbs up :D

but but but, i woke up at 7plus :( 15 mins to 11 now, and i'm feeling very tired. shall have a nap soon.. i must be getting old or something, cos i awoke with a back ache! liddat old already how?!?!

yesterday was one of the most relaxing and holiday-ish days ever since the diploma ended in mid feb. went to sentosa with baobao and his navy friends! been a long while since i went there.. going to sentosa and the beach brings to mind rj bandits, the few times we had outings there.. i wonder if we'll ever have another one? we're all so.. dispersed now, and it's sad how perhaps some are.. less uncomfortable with others. evolved relationships means a certain awakwardness? ah wells.

i hope to go to the beach at sentosa with baobao more often! and maybe learn how to play volleyball.. one of the international officers asked me what sports i do, and .. so embarrassing to reply actually nothing! i'm so bad at everything, need lots of practise and learning.. i guess at least i can say i am open to sports! have been wanting to learn tennis for a while.. but.. nobody to teach me. heh.

ever since i started work, i realised that the weekends are really far too short. cant rmmr who was it who was telling me if only 4-day work week was a reality. 3 days to rest and relax and recharge would be AweSoMe!! i guess what i reeeally need is more discipline to sleep more. i need to make better decisions, like doing things in advance and actively choosing to sleep earlier.

i want to go shopping! muahahaha. and i want to go sing k. hopefully with jacjac? if she manages to organise something next week.

my room's looking messy again. time for a clean-up... and time to start on the wardrobe overhaul.

weekend!

i'm so glad the week's over! i'm so glad today is over. and that it's time to sleep without worrying about anything, though really, as usual its all my last minute fault AGAIN.

what would i do without my dad... who sent me to school today so i wouldnt be late for my 7.30am shift, and who helped me to deliver the application to the building (cos technically the dateline was yesterday)

it appears... that my last minute nature is getting WORSE. seriously need to do something about it, or i'll be so dead in wheelock.

anyway, it's awesome to reach home at 6+pm! which only happens when u get to work early shift. heh. and i'm thankful there the ST class had only 6 children yest and today... a comfortable number to handle... although it is a lil sad to not have seen lil N the whole week - his mum said he fell sick after eating a piece of popcorn chicken which he found in the car which prob had been there for goodness-knows-how-long

next week, will be with F in the youngest class! it's quite happifying to be around the young ones...

i need to sleep more i need to sleep more i need to sleep more.

an unexpected piece of news today... will be praying for Aunt Agnes and her family.

cell group on tues at shuling's house. it's so encouraging to see annie share so openly as she led us in worship. a timely reminder indeed.

good night world!